Weekly Quote: Annie Murphy Paul on Naming the Feeling

This week, we have another quote from one of my favorite books The Extended Mind by Annie Murphy Paul.

What's wrong?

This is a question we've all heard and said countless times. Think of how often this query has been directed at you, and think about your answer. How often were you actually able to articulate what was going on? Did you respond with nothing, I'm fine, or another dismissive throw-away line? Did you make a joke, or perhaps just started listing a bunch of semi-random annoyances that came to mind? I would be surprised if one or more of these responses didn't sound familiar to you from a recent conversation.

We need a better question, something more focused on a person's present feeling. As this week's quote states, scientific research has found that naming a feeling reduces the body's stress response, helping us broaden our ability to cope with either the situation or the emotion causing the stress. So saying what are you feeling right now or how are you feeling seems a more direct approach to giving a person the space to begin figuring it out. It also signals that you are listening, and that's helpful too.

Asking about a person's feelings at work feels a little fraught. But, having done it many times with team members or colleagues who were struggling, sometimes at a crisis level, I've seen it help. I appreciate being on the receiving end of this conversation, and I believe others usually feel similarly. It doesn't always work. When it doesn’t, I remind myself that most things don't work all the time and I take a moment of reflection to examine if I could have done something differently.

Frequently, we are more comfortable with this approach around our kids or family members. Parents know that naming the feeling is the foundation of helping children learn how to develop their emotional intelligence. So it's less of asking about what's wrong and more a complex and open-ended question about thoughts and feelings that sparks a dialog.

I know that what's wrong is a ubiquitous phrase in our culture that isn't going away anytime soon. I'm trying to ask a better question, and I encourage you to do this too. Try it. Start with someone you trust. It isn't always easy to dig in, yet it can be a rewarding experience to help someone resolve a stressful situation. Are you ready to listen?